Same Old Story, With a Twist
by CrazzieAddict06
Summary: Its the same old DrHr Fics we hear over and over. . .Who likes to read cliches, when you can add your own twist to things. Its wild, its intense, and its just another example of how cliched the HP world can get!
1. A Usual Angsty Beginning, with a Twist

Same Old Story. . .With A Twist  
  
Disclaimer: Alright chickadees. . .these characters are owned by J.K. Rowling, these plots are commonly used in many cliche dr/hr fics, and i've added my own twist to them all.  
  
Author's Note: This Fic shall be rated R for sexual related topics. If that bothers you, i recommed watching Blues Clues Marathons (j/p) But um...yeah, just i hope ya enjoy and try not to flame my sorry ass. =p  
  
Chapter 1: A Usual Angsty Beginning. . .With a Twist  
  
Hermione Granger sat on her front porch, her fishnet stockings made her legs feel chilly. . .Its not like the tight miniskirt she was wearing helped either. She was waiting for her parents to come out of the house so she could take her to the Hogwarts Express. . .Her father walked out of the door in a hurry, sending a slap flying her way.  
  
Hermione: DADDY! I CANT STAND THIS ABUSE! I AM RUNNING AWAY TO MY SWORN ENEMIES HOUSE!  
  
Hermione's Unnamed Father: WAIT POPPET! I didn't mean it. . .come back. . .  
  
Hermione: NO! You have drawn the line father. . .this is the last straw. I'm going AWAY.  
  
Hermione's Unnamed Mother: "Upside-inside-out, she's livin' la vida loca. She'll push and pull you down, livin' la vida loca Her lips are devilred, and her skin's the colour mocha, She will wear you out Livin' la vida loca. . . ."  
  
Hermione's Unnamed Father: What the hell was that? . . .Hey where did Hermione go?  
  
The two looked utterly shocked that their daughter would run away so suddenly  
  
Hermione's Unnamed Mother: Was it the singing? Did I scare her, dear?  
  
-*-Malfoy Manor-*-  
  
Draco Malfoy admired his burly complexion in the mirror. **Rawr** baby, he was feeling the vibe. I am one sexy hound he thought to himself as he raised an eyebrow. He was turning over a new leaf this year. . .i mean it was going to be his 2nd year at Hogwarts and he might as well start it off with a bang. This was the year he decided to begin his reputation as the school sex-god. Seeing that he was only 12, he might want to learn what exactly sex was first.  
  
He couldn't believe he would have to resort to this. If his father caught him, he would be dead. He pressed a secret button by his bedside and a tv emerged out from the wood dresser. Then he did something he never thought he'd have to do. He watched "Talk Sex with Sue Johanson."  
  
This is when Draco Lucuis Malfoy was first introduced to the wonderful world of Intercourse, finding it positivley entertaining. However he found no help on 'how to seduce every female in sight'. So he picked up his cell phone, practically forgetting that this was the wizarding world, and shouldn't even have one. He was going to call the sex help hotline and ask Sue herself.  
  
Draco: [in a quite voice so nobody would catch him] Hello, I need some advice.  
  
Sue: I cant hear you, darling  
  
Draco repeated it louder, and added "Can YOU HEAR ME NOW?"  
  
Sue: Yes  
  
Draco: Good.  
  
Sue: Did you need some advice?  
  
Draco bit his lip as he heard footsteps approaching "DRACO LUCIUS MALFOY, GET OFF THAT PHONE AND TELEVISION AT ONCE, YOU ARE A BLOODY DISGRACE TO THE FAMILY!" his father roared as he barged into the room. "Its bad enough I cought you with adult movies once, how many times have I told you. . .muggles are bad for you. How many times have I told you not to interfere with their world." He stormed out of the room but before leaving said "Don't worry, I'll be back!"  
  
Draco bit his lip again, and he felt himself tremble as he broke out in song: 'I'm ready to know what the muggles know. Ask 'em my questions and get some answers. What's a fire and why does it - what's the word? Burn? Up where they walk, up where they run, Up where they stay all day in the sun. . . . Wanderin' free - wish I could be. . . . . Part of that world"  
  
Lucius re-entered the room stern face. "I had no idea you could sing, boy. Malfoys do not sing. CRUCIO!"  
  
Draco was in pain. His father yelled "Now get downstairs, boy. Your mother will finsih punishing you."  
  
"No! Oh Merlin, no! Not the Barry Manilow music! Fatherrrr!" Draco wailed.  
  
"Its Barry Manilow or Avada Kedavara boy, you choose your fate. Now GO!"  
  
As soon as Draco left Lucius happily plopped himself down on Draco's bed and watched the rest of "Talk Sex With Sue Johanson"  
  
-*-  
  
Draco waltzed downstairs, adrenaline pumping through his lean and muscular 12 year old body. . .When he got into the large kitchen of the Manor he saw his mother standing there, stern faced and holding an extremely attractive girl by the ear. She was wearing fishnet stockings and a wonderfully tight leather miniskirt, with a top that barely covered her large boobs.  
  
"Draco" scolded his mother "How many times have I told you, DO NOT LET THE HOUSE ELVES HIRE ANYMORE STRIPPERS!"  
  
The girl in his mothers grasp squirmed "Let GO of me! I am no hooker." She said, trying to break free "The Names Granger. Hermione Granger."  
  
Draco was astonished, Hermione . . .had boobs! Hermione. . .was dressed like a prostitute, and was at his house. . . I mean, he's seen a lot of boobs before (so what if it was on the XXX channel!) but Hermione's were amazing. Its funny how they got to be so big. . .he knew they definatley weren't that big last year, and when he rented The Chamber of Secrets for DVD she definatley didn't look THIS good then.  
  
Draco: **blush** Pardon me, Gr-um-Hermione. . .but are you Jamacian?  
  
Hermione: Um. . .No. . .why?  
  
Draco: Because Ja-macian me crazy.  
  
He flashed her an award winning Malfoy smirk as his mother dropped Hermione in utter disgust. "Mudblood filth" she muttered under her breath as she went to go lick several mandrakes.  
  
Draco: So why are you here?  
  
Hermione: Well, my parents were abusing me, and I just felt that we both hate our parents, and we are both mistreated that we could find hope and reassurance in one another, despite the fact that I've hated your guts since I first laid eyes on you.  
  
Draco: So that's just it? No weird circumstances how you end up here? You just. . .showed up?  
  
Hermione: Well. . .if its any consolation I brought a fruitcake?  
  
Draco and Hermione sit in silence consuming the fruitcake. They take this time to develop a STRONG and EMOTIONAL connection.  
  
Draco: Good Fruitcake, 'mione.  
  
Hermione blushed when she felt his gaze upon her.  
  
Draco: May I ask where you got such fine hooters from?  
  
Hermione refused to answer, and flung a piece of Fruitcake at Draco. . .Hermione sat back in silence when she realized she didn't hit Draco, but instead Chad Micheal Murray.  
  
Hermione: What are you doing here? This is a Hermione and Draco Cliché. . .not some sick crossover. GET YOUR OWN FANFICTION BUDDY!  
  
Chad: Feisty Fiesty. . .fine, I'm leaving.  
  
He left, and took some of the fruitcake with him.  
  
Narcissa walked back into the room and stood by Hermione. "Well girl, it seems we must show you to your room. Come Draco, you shall come along as well." They followed Narcissa into the dark corridors in search of the right room. There were SO many in Malfoy Manor.  
  
"Oh! How about that room!" said Hermione excitedly, pulling a g-string thong up, making sure both Draco and Narcissa got a good view.  
  
"No. You will be rooming with Draco. It seems there is an unfortunate, yet entirely predictable cicumstance in which all of our relatives will be staying and occupying EVERY ROOM. You'll just have to room with Draco."  
  
Hermione: When are these relatives coming?  
  
Narcissa: Merlin knows! But if I use that as an excuse, you two will fall in love- therefore completing the whole purpose of this fanfiction.  
  
Portrait on Wall: THEY ARE FUCKIN 12 YEARS OLD!  
  
All: **blank stare**  
  
When Draco and Hermione were in the room alone. . .Draco began to undress her until Hermione begged him to stop. "Draco. . .i should tell you . . .I am going out with Ron."  
  
Draco: Screw Ron!  
  
Hermione: I'm afraid I did.  
  
Draco: Then what do you want to do about this? I am afraid I am falling in love with your tits.um I mean you.  
  
Hermione: Oh Draco, that's the sweetest thing anybody has ever said to me. Let me just call it off with Ron first. I'm sure he'll understand that I am dumping him for a sworn ememy who only likes me for my breasts.  
  
-What Will Happen Next? (If you really wanna know, read a common Draco/Hermione fic) Or if you wanna read it with a twist . . .just wait until my next update ;) *  
  
If you'd like to read a good Cliche fic in general. . .check out "The Ulitmate Cliche Catalog" its by far the best one out there. Props to Clam Chowder1.  
  
XOXO  
  
Shadow 


	2. Twisted Train Ride

Same Old Story, With a Twist

Chapter 2 – Twisted Train Ride

Hermione Granger stood alone waiting at platform 9 and ¾. . . her parents weren't there seeing that they had both died in a unfortunate incident involving a slaughter house and Hannibal Lecter.  She wore a long sleeved black shirt to cover up the marks where she had cut herself, those colored childproof left-handed scissors could really do some damage. Half of Her summer had been spent with Draco Malfoy, who kindly took her into their house until she could move in with her Uncle Prescott, who was a cleptomaniac.. She had to admit, she had bonded quite well with Malfoy. . .and was sad to spend her summer away from death eaters. Therefore she adapted to cutting and licking white out tape.

She awaited the arrival of her best friend Harry Potter and Ron Weasley. It was going to be her 2nd year attending the school, and she had grown alot more then she already had that summer. She wore tight leather pants, and a leather jacket. . .many times over the course of the summer she had been told that she looked like Sandy, from Grease. Hermione had also become _even more_ developed in certain areas, but was too depressed to give a flying rats ass. 

But there was one thing she hung onto to. . .she had become head girl this year, thats right. . . she'd get to share a dorm and just because Dumbledore is a sick perverted fuck, she would now have to share a bedroom with the Head Boy. "God, I hope is not Malfoy, despite the fact it is obviously him" Soon a smile lit her face, she saw Harry and Ron. (yes i am aware that they are in their 2nd year and being headboy and headgirl. It isnt supposed to make sense, but make it more cliched and pointless. So just play along)

"HARRY!!!!!!! RON!!!!!!" Hermione called, as the boys breifly looked her way. They two boys looked good, they both had ripling muscles that were buldging out of their shirts, most likey from steroid usage. . .they had grown tall too, and surprisingly no longer had constipated looks upon their faces. 

HARRY:

Hermione, wow you look like a depressed psycho bitch with a nice rack!

RON: 

*is speechless, but some how manages to appear hott*

HERMIONE:

Why didnt you owl me this summer?!? I heard nothing of you two! Do you even care that i am a sensitive being?!?!?!

Harry and Ron stutter around for the right words, trying to explain why three good friends who have been through so much could just forget about her without _any valid reason_

RON:

Erm. . . well you see 'Mione. . . i was trying to win a world record to see how many popsickle sticks i could glue to Seamus Finnigan's arse.

HARRY:

And um. . . .I was . . .dating Pansy Parkinson.

HERMIONE: 

Isnt' that Malfoy's bitch?

HARRY:

Yes, Malfoy will probably kill me horribly for it today. 

RON:

I heard she has three tits.

HARRY:

Right we are, lad. *wink wink*

Hermione, thoroughly disgusted, dragged her friends into a compartment on the Hogwarts express, despite the fact that they treated her like crap all summer, leaving her with nothing to do except think of Argus Filch in a women's speedo.

RON:

I wonder who the head boy will be.

Convieniently, Draco Malfoy walks into the scene, he is quite jacked up as well either from puttin in hours at a "Curves for Women" facility or by use of steriods just like the others. 

DRACO:

Hello Ladies (stares at Ron and Harry) I would like to introduce you to the new Head Boy. . .Me.

Ron and Harry immediatley stop applying eyeliner and talking about PMS and turn to face Draco. Their faces come together in a attempted snarl. "YOU STAY AWAY FROM HERMIONE!" Threatened  Harry, acting all brave and heroic.

DRACO:

Dont get your dick in a twist, Potter. Come on Hermione, according to bogus bullshit rules the head boy and girl must sit together on the train, plus it makes a cozy spot for me to try and kiss you.

Hermione shrugged and left her two best friends who continued their conversation on Tampons.

-In a Secluded Compartment-

DRACO: 

How was Uncle Prescotts, Granger?

HERMIONE:

Dont talk to me Malfoy, i want to shag you bloody sensless right now, but if i act angry that creates _drama_ and some element of _angst_, despite the fact  i spent half of my summer with you and have already uncharictaristicly grown to like your slimy personality.

DRACO: (holding out a box)

Would you care for a steriod? 

Hermione took a steroid and swallowed it,  Draco eyed her with a suggestive gleam. 

DRACO:

Do I make you horny, baby?

HERMIONE: (blushing)

Oh, Behave!

They are now both set off in a sexual frezny as they each take turns humping each other's leg like 

Poodles during mating season. To avoid writing a sex scene, the author convienintly makes the Hogwarts Express stop, and the train ride end. Whoohoo, they're at Hogwarts already after only 5 minutes.

DRACO:

Shit.  . . I almost got laid.

Draco and Hermione take a carriage together since they are "head boy and head girl" 

HERMOINE:

I love it how headboy and headgirl always have to stay together. Its a convienient plot device, which evenutally leads to good sex in the prefects bathroom.

Draco nods and Hermione eventually separates to find her own house table in the Great Hall and wait for the first years to arrive after their boatride with Hagrid.  Dumbledore stands up gracefully and wise-looking as he rubs his chin and takes a pain killer for his backaches. Old age. The first years are quickly piled in and soon the hat is taken out. The author quickly skips over the first year sorting because none of the readers give a damn about them.

Harry and Pansy, however, are in some corner sucking each others faces off when Draco walks over to them.

DRACO:

Potter!!! I'll kill you, get off my girlfriend!

HARRY:

*speaks parseltounge*

DRACO:

*poisions his pumpkin juice when he's not looking*

HARRY:

*retreats back to his seat, kissing pansy one last time and takes a sip of his drink*

DRACO:

*laughs evilly*

HARRY:

*is escorted to the hospital wing*

PANSY:

Oh! But Draco! I loved him!

-NEW SCENE-

Hermione got up to the Head Student's dormitories. . .there was only one bedroom and only one bed. Quite odd. . ."DRACO!" she hollared as he came running to her, only a towel wrapped around his waist. "Um. . .we should call Dumbledore, wow....nice. . . .towel."

"Thank you, thank you very much." Draco eyed the one bed "Call if you wish, but i happen to like this sleeping arrangement." He winked and began to dance the Macarena.

She never ended up calling the headmaster, but instead joined in on the Macarena. "HEYYYY MACARENA!" they said in unison as they turned around to now face the right.  Exhausted to two collapsed down on their bed, breathing hard.

DRACO:

You know, 'Mione, this would be the most appropriate time to have freakish butt sex and skip Herbology.

HERMIONE & DRACO:

*engage in freakish butt sex*

HERMIONE:

Oh! Draco! You've turned me into such a rebel!

DRACO:

I'm Headboy and im only in 2nd year, do you realize how bad the author of this fic messed up?

THE AUTHOR:

Shut up. Its better if they're headboy & girl. . .and who said this fic was any bit realistic! *leaves*

PART II: _Ron Weasley is Conflicted_

RON:

I have become quite attracted to Hermione, and want to feel her up in the transfiguration room.

HARRY:

Mate, there are some bloody secrets that should be kept secrets.

RON:

But. . .But. . .Hermione loves Draco and never will fall for me. . She just doesn't like me because i'm black!!

HARRY:

No your not. You are some sort of irish/english crossbreed. Lets not get racist.

RON:

But at the same time, Harry. . .i can see she wants me. I am getting myself into a love triangle here, Help me Harry!

HARRY:

*sings* Michael row the boat ashore, al-le-lu-ia! Michael row the boat ashore, al-le-luuu-u-ia.

RON:

*blank stare* I'm going to find 'Mione and tell her that she is the one.

Meanwhile, Nearly Headless Nick is reading _Seventeen Magazine_ in the Dungeons.

NEARLY HEADLESS NICK:

*takes a "Does He Like You" questionaire*

NEARLY HEADLESS NICK:

*reads his horsocope*

SYTHERIN STUDENT:

What the hell does this have to do with anything?

THE AUTHOR:

Good Point, i dont know. . .Chapter ended.

­­­____________________________________________________

_Author's Notes and Other Such Things._

_First of all, thank you to all of my reviewers. I'm so glad to know that most of ya liked it. . .i've realized that i screwed up the Headboy thing and with the fact that they are 12. . .but you cant have a good dr/hr cliche with out them BOTH being headboy and headgirl. . .that is just an untraditional disgrace. Anywayz i'll try and get more up soon, but its hard b/c im am writing so much. And if you are a draco/hermione shipper, and would like to read a dr/hr fic (i tried to avoid cliche) please read mine called Cell Mates. Thanks a million, guys._

_Secondly, i copied the dialog spacing, (ex: like how the characters say their dialog underneath their names, from the ultimate cliche catalog)  i've found it was easier to space things that way. . .i still suggest you read it._

_See that little button. . .yes the one next to submit review. . . .that says GO. . .click that shit =P and try to be nice...or atleast constructive. _

_XOXO_

_SHADOW_


	3. The Yule Fricken Ball

Same Old Story. . .With a Twist. (by shadow)

Disclaimer- same as last time, kiddies.

Chapter 3: The Yule Fricken Ball

Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger were eating gram crackers which they had burnt to a crisp over a scented Yankee Candle and cuddling in the "Head Common room" Convieniently there was a love seat, with a built in massage thingie, and even a jacuzzi and skimpy bathing suits incase they wanted to take a midnight dip.

All of a sudden Peeves zoomed into the common room wearing a shirt that said "ARMY HOCKEY" and holding a box of GRAPE AIRHEADS.

-Scene Ended-

Hermione was sitting at the Slytherin table with Draco acting like a badass. . . She had given all the Muggleborns in the school the middle finger, including herself, and started walking around Hogwarts in just a bra and panties. It turns out she had started a trend, when she saw Neville Longbottom sporting a pair of Tightie Whities this morning in Charms class.

Dumbeldore was supposed to make some big announcement today, maybe he was getting Circumsized. . .she hoped so.

Meanwhile at the allmighty Gryffindor Table of faggots, Fred was kissing George, and Dean Thomas was sniffing mustard sauces. Ron was currently admiring Hermione from afar and talking to Harry in a dreamy voice that made him sound like he had been smoking weed.

RON:

Our lives aren't the same without Hermione, you'll never be able to save the day again, nor will I help you. We're as good as dead if we attempt anything this year.

HARRY:

True, she was always the brains behind the operation, all I had to do was look all tough and act like I did stuff. . .everybody knows im really a dumbass with a strange addiction to "THE REAL WORLD"

RON:

True, when is that on again?

HARRY:

Tonight at 8, shall we meet in the sheiking shack?

RON:

Most certainly. . . oh no!!! *becomes teary eyed* Hermione is kissing Draco and giving him a massage! Kill me now Harry.

HARRY:

*holds up a butter knife to Ron's neck and gives him a menacing glare*

RON:

*screams like a girl*

HARRY & RON:

*Cease embarassing knife scenario*

RON:

Well if its any consolation, it got Hermione to look over at me. . .i think we should add more angst to this story. . . Harry, I think you should like Hermione too and try and ruin my chances, what do you say old buddy old pal?

HARRY:

Sure, why not. Hey Hermione, get over here, Bitch.

HERMIONE:

*walks over like a badass, smoking a Marbolo light cigaragette and holding a JC Pennies kids catalog* What now, Potter? *spits. . . like a man!*

HARRY:

I think I'm in love with you. . . .*gets down on bended knee* Will you please be my fuck-buddy?

HERMIONE:

Sure *smiles brightly* Just don't tell Malfoy, speaking of him, I thought malfoy saw to it that you were hospitalized?

HARRY:

Well uh. . . you know,  this shit aint realistic, home slice.

HERMIONE:

How about we go somewhere a little more private. . . like the streets of Hogsmeade in broad daylight?

HARRY:

Sure, Bye Ron *waves goodbye to Ron*

RON:

No, Hermione! Don't! He only wants you for free sex.

HERMIONE:

Duh. Now come on Harry.

(As all this is going on the whole cafeteria is watching and listening including a very amused and slightly perverted Albus Dumbledore and his faculty.)

RON:

*cries*

DRACO:

Its okay, Weasley. I understand she left me too. . . Here have a hankie. . . I used it already.

RON:

*takes used hankie and blows his snout (nose)* Thank you for being so understanding, sworn enemy of whom I detest and hate. But don't worry, she's in love with you, I am just a poor forgotten sidekick, who might overdose on the birth control pill sometime before next Tuesday.

DRACO:

Do ya wanna be my best friend, cowboy?

RON:

Yehaww, hey, lets go play some wizarding chess. . .i'll race you! *runs like a school girl after draco.*

AUTHOR:

Ah! The beginning of an uncharictaristic yet bittersweet friendship.

DUMBLEDORE:

GET BACK here, MR.Malfoy, Mr.Weasley! *they don't listen to him*  Well anyway, to those who are still remaining – we are going to have another Yule Ball. *pauses* Right, okay seeing that this should take place in the 2nd year, and J.K. Rowling didn't write about the Yule Ball yet, you have no idea what I'm talking about.  However, you will have one every year. . .just to allow couples to mingle. I find it is a extremely convienient plot device.

MCGONAGALL:

What is the dress code, Albus? *does a little jig*

DUMBLEDORE:

I believe this year everybody must sport _fuzzy peach bathrobes._

ALL:

*blank stare*

ALL:

*blank stare

ALL:

*blank stare

READER(s):

WE GET IT, DAMNIT!

DUMBLEDORE:

Don't worry about the minor details, you'll figure them out eventually. This Yule Ball will be held. . . . . um. . .tomorrow, and everybody must have a date. Incest and Animals are allowed.

MCGONAGALL:

*Does another little jig*  Right thurrr, right thurrr.

~*~ HOGSMEADE~*~

It was a bright and sunny day in Hogsmeade, although this may previously contridict a scene from before. However Harry and Hermione were prancing around talking about foot fetishes and reflecting upon the Muggle movie "Mr.Deeds" in which they both had been so blessed as to veiw over the summer. The streets were busy, just as they had hoped and Zonko's was having an amazing clearance sale on Dutch Speaking Belly Button lint. Hermione dragged Harry into the store to purchase dozens of it. She had malicious plans to clog the school toilets with it.. . .or just use it for INTERIOR DESIGN.

HARRY:

Hermione, I can't get enough of you. . .you are an amazing woman.

HERMIONE:

Oh, you too Harry!

HARRY:

Let us make furious and heated love on a crowded and insect infested cobblestone surface

HARRY & HERMIONE:

*do just that*

HARRY:

You know, there is a yule ball tomorrow. . . I wasn't there when Dumbledore announced it, I just know this. . .i think Voldemort transferred that power to me when I was just a baby. . .its a gift of love.

HERMIONE:  
OH Harry! My love for you is like diarreah, I just can't hold it in! Go to the Yuleball with me, please?

HARRY:

Alright. That sounds like a plan!!! Hey, lets go buy myself a new dress to show off for Snape, okay?

They go off to the clothing store, hand in hand –smiling like idiots.

-*- LATER THAT NIGHT. . .OR WHENEVER-*-

Draco is swimming in the hottub nude singing a song from "The Princess Diaries" pretending that his is Julie Andrews.  He doesn't hear Hermione walk into the door, plasltered with hickies and poision ivy (Harry had a brilliant idea that lovemaking in the midst of a poison ivy bush would be highly erotic.) Hermione does not expect to see Draco nude (although she has before) or singing The Princess Diaries theme, imitating a muggle actress.

HERMIONE:

Oye! _What _the bloody hell are you doing. . . .

DRACO:

Oye! _Who_the bloody hell were you doing?

HERMIONE:

*said overly sweetly* May I join you, pumpkin kisses?

DRACO:

Why yes (insert annoying pet name, such as Snuggle Lizard)

HERMIONE:

I think this fic is too unrealistic, I mean, aren't we supposed to hate each other?

DRACO:

Yes, we should change this a bit. . .maybe the readers won't notice. *pause* I FUCKIN HATE YOU MUDBLOOD, I HOPE YOU MEET A GRUESOME DEMISE IN A HEAD ON COLLISON WITH A PMSing HIPPOPOTOMUS AND DIE IN A 3 FOOT POOL OF YOUR OWN BLOOD AND SALIVA!

HERMIONE:

Oh, okay Malfoy, is that the best you can do you filthy bug-eaten slime. I HATE YOU TOO, DAMNIT, YOU ARROGANT EXCUSE FOR SCUM ON THIS EARTH. I HOPE YOU GET KICKED IN THE NUTS BY SIMON COWELL UNTIL YOU FALL OVER OF A STEEP CLIFF, GROW A TAIL AND THEN DIE IN PAIN.

DRACO:

*Drawls* You're family is a disgrace to the wizarding name! I am going to put on a spooky halloween mask and herd them like cattle onto a prarie and set murderous pilgrims to skin them alive.

HERMIONE:

*Cries* Why must you hurt me so, Malfoy? Don't you know *sob sob* my parents are already deceased.

DRACO:

*laughs*

HERMIONE:

*doesn't laugh*

DRACO:

So um. . .you wanna go with me to the Yule Ball?

HERMIONE:

*smiles forgetting about Harry* Sure.

DRACO:

Sorry about your mum and dad.

HERMIONE AND DRACO:

*make up sex*

-LIBRARY-

Ron has been stalking Hermione. Hermione had made her way to the library, Ron following shortly. Hermione was still not appropriately clothed, and sadly to report, niether was Neville.

RON:

Um . . .hi, Mione.

HERMIONE:

Hi, Ron.

RON:

Uh, did you have cambells soup today?

HERMIONE:

No, whats cambells soup? And why?

RON:

Because your lookin UMMMM UMMM GOOD!

HERMIONE:

*blush blush your embarassing me you faggot blush blush*

RON:

U wanna go to the yule ball with me, Suga?

HERMIONE:

Yes, I'd love to.

Yea, Hermione seems to forget that she has said yes to everybody that asked her out! That WHORE!

-CHARMS CLASS-

Hermione Is Neville's lab partner. . .today they are sporting almost identical pairs of panties both said "MUDD GIRLS" on the back.

NEVILLE:

Uh. . .hi Hermione, do you like my underwear? *stutter*

HERMIONE:

Yes

NEVILLE:

Would you like to go to the ball with me?

HERMIONE:

Yes.

-SLYTHERIN DUNGEONS-

Hermione encounters Goyle, who was reading a "weight watchers" pamphlet.

HERMIONE:

Hi Goyle

GOYLE:

Uh. . .

HERMIONE:

Awe, how sweet. You wanna go to the ball with me?

GOYLE:

Uh. . .

HERMIONE:

C-ya there!

Then Snape appears

SNAPE:

Hermione I'd like a word with you

HERMIONE:

Ok

SNAPE:

Lets go to the Yule ball together.

HERMIONE:

Ok.

The cylce repeats until all the male students and some faculty in Hogwarts have sucessfully asked Hermione to go with them to the Prom. Even some of the female students like Ginny and Hannah Abbot has asked and gotten a date. Somehow none of them knew that she had agreed to go out with all of these people.

-YULE BALL DAY-

All the students were getting dressed in their fuzzy peach bathrobes and fixing their hair for the big Yule Ball tonight. Even though Yule Balls were technically for 4th years and up. . .it didn't matter b/c this fic is already screwed up enough. All the students lined up in the hallway, and marched to the great hall singing "THE SAINTS GO MARCHING IN", then after they finished that song they sung "THE ANTS GO MARCHING" (one by one, HORRAH HORRAH) yeah that song.

When they got to the Yuleball, all the guys went looking for their date. . . Hermione. Each getting mad at her for making dates with the whole male population. That's when all hell broke out and they started chasing her with hunting rifles. She ran outside in her fuzzy bathrobe. . . she stumbled and fell into the comforting arms of Draco Malfoy. . .who somehow managed to apparate himself away from the mobbing crowd. They fly away for a short trip on a magic carpet.

DRACO & HERMIONE:

*sing in a melodic harmony* _A WHOLLLLE NEW WORLD. . .a new enchanting point of view. . .no one to tell us no, or where to go. . .or say we're only dreaming. A WHOLLLE NEW WORLD, don't you dare close your eyes. . . . _

_*SCENE FADES*_


End file.
